Improving Our EQ Skills to Build Success

I think this is such an important skill to master and it makes communication better. Reading this article openly, does have its strong points and to be more aware of it, does have its advantageous.

What is EQ?
Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one’s own feelings, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. With time, EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.

Here are 5 things to remember:
1. The ability to deal with one’s own negative emotions

“We become what we think about all day long.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to change the way we feel about a situation, we must first change the way we think about it. The ability to kill Automatic Negative Thoughts is a crucial skill to have, as many people descent are from families, schools, and other environs where negative criticism (such as shaming, unfavorable comparisons, and not being good enough) as a means of motivation and evaluation is considered a norm. A predominantly negative and critical environment can induce many ANTs, and affect one’s sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. Killing one’s ANTs on a daily basis clears the way towards greater self-worth, and the progressive realization of one’s true potential.

2. The ability to stay cool under pressure

“Trouble comes from the mouth.” – Chinese proverb

A. If you feel angry and upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of complicate the problem. If you’re still upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you calm down.

B. If you feel nervous and anxious, put cold water on your face and get some fresh air. Cool temperature can help reduce our anxiety level. Avoid caffeinated beverages which can stimulate your nervousness.

C. If you feel fearful, depressed, or discouraged, try intense aerobic exercises. Energize yourself. The way we use our body affects greatly the way we feel. As the saying goes – motion dictates emotion. As you experience the vitality of your body, your confidence will also grow.

D. If you feel overwhelmed, confused, stuck, or uninspired, go outdoors and clear your head. Go into nature and surround yourself in colors of green and blue, which have a calming effect. Find a panoramic view and look out into the distance. Walk. Take deep breaths. Empty your mind. Come back with a fresh perspective.

3. The ability to read social cues

“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.” – Anais Nin

People with high EQ are generally more accurate in their ability to perceive and interpret others’ emotional, physical, and verbal expressions. They also know how to communicate effectively to clarify intentions.

A. When we see an expression from someone that we don’t understand fully, come up with at least two possible interpretations before jumping to conclusion. For example, I may be tempted to think my friend’s not returning my call because he’s ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that he’s been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.

“A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than they’re constipated!” – Daniel Amen

B. Seek clarification when needed. If necessary, inquire with the other person for clarification on why she’s behaving the way she does. Ask opened ended questions such as: “I’m just curious, can you tell me why…,” and avoid accusations and judgments. Compare that person’s words with body language and behavior to check for congruency.

4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary

“Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship.” – Harriet Lerner

There are times in all of our lives when it’s important to set our boundaries appropriately, so people know where we stand. These can include exercising our right to disagree (without being disagreeable), saying “no” without feeling guilty, setting our own priorities, getting what we paid for, and protecting ourselves from duress and harm. Some Asians and Asian Americans struggle with being assertive in situations when it’s important to speak up, project strength, and have one’s views and feelings heard. This is particularly true when dealing with authority figures, or accommodating expectations from those in ingroups.

One method to consider when needing to express difficult emotions is the XYZ technique – I feel X when you do Y in situation Z. Here are some examples:

“I feel strongly that I should receive recognition from the company based on my contributions.”
“I feel uncomfortable that you expect me to help you over my own priorities.”
“I feel disappointed when you didn’t follow through when you told me you would.”
“I feel frustrated when you continue to not take our finances seriously.”
“I felt hurt when you made fun of me at dinner last night.”

Avoid using sentences that begin with “you” and followed by accusation or judgment, such as “you are…,” “you should…,” “you need to….” “You” language followed by such directives put the listener on the defensive, and make them less likely to be open to what you have to say.

5. The ability to express intimate emotions in close, personal relationships

“We live in the shelter of each other.” – Celtic saying

The ability to effectively express and validate tender, loving emotions is essential to maintaining close personal relationships. In this case, “effective” means sharing intimate feelings with someone in an appropriate relationship, in a manner that’s nourishing and constructive, and being able to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same.

A person’s “heart withers if it does not answer another heart.” – Pearl Buck

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls the expression of intimate emotions “bidding.” Bidding can be any method of positive connection between two people desiring a close relationship. For example:
Verbal bidding: “How are you doing?”, “How are you feeling?”, “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” “I like it when we talk like this,” “I’m glad we’re spending this time together,” “you’re such a good friend,” “I’m sorry.”

Body language bidding: positive eye contact, hugging, smiling, patting the elbow, arm around the shoulder.

Behavioral bidding: offering food or beverage, a personalized card, a thoughtful gift, a needed favor. Empathetic listing. Engaging in shared activities that create a closer bond.

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy, age four, defining love, as reported on the Internet